Monday, March 9, 2009

Because I just have more to say...

I wish Az was online so I could talk to her. Stupid work existing. 

I don't need drama at all, I don't need someone to protect me, to watch over me. I need me, myself, and I - and I don't care how cliche that is. I need to wake up alive, stretch and survey the world around me. If I can continue to do this until the day that I... wake up dead, I guess, I think I can be content. I am an observer of life - which occassionally makes me feel like I am not part of it. I appreciate those that force me to acknowledge the fact that I am human. You each have yourself a paragraph in a prior entry. 

Feeling the need to backstep, unwind, and undo isn't something I like. I am having this feeling to a small extent at the moment. The consequences were not clear to me, perhaps the logical and apprehensive portion of my brain was frozen at the moment. I never wanted to cause dissonance, I cannot imagine myself a home-wrecker.

Take a step back. Breath. Figure out just who you are. You're working on it, sure, but you are not yet there my darling self. Not wanting to be with Clint doesn't mean you need to have a want to create anything with anyone else. Do you really want to, anyway? Can you imagine yourself in various situations? Perhaps you can acknowledge the feelings and have nothing more than a friendship. Perhaps. If it is not possible, it may be best to kill the feelings. Simpler that way. Less brain matter and blood to clean out of the carpet. 

I have the feeling that someone was right. While it is nice to be complimented on occassion, the incessant complimentation makes me feel like a chunk of meat at the market. Compliment me on my wit, my intellect, my knowledge, my wisdom, my insights. Make me feel like I can move you with my pen and ink..or keyboard, as the case may be. This is how you create in me the lack of disappointment. This is how I know that you're not just some cock looking for a lay. Even if you wouldn't ever touch me in a sexual manner, it doesn't matter... because you would. 

I honestly don't find myself to be an attractive person, and doing things that make me feel pretty are fun for me. If I can feel like I look like someone that is confident, perhaps I'll gain some myself. This is how I play my game.

If I seem like a ditz, an empty shell for a skull - you're right. If I seem like a manipulative, backstabbing bitch, you're right. A fallen angel, with tears like ice; a fiery fiend with a passionate heart; down to earth; stuck up proper; concieted and narcissistic; humble and plain; temptress of desire; one of the guys. I am all these things and so much more. Whatever you think I am, you're right. To quote Eminem -- because that song just came into my head... "And I am /whatever you say I am /If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? "

I'm going to go get dressed for my day of doing nothing except school work, and listen to some music to clear my head.

1 comment:

  1. Not even sure what to think of all of that but I do see a secondary point that I think I might have missed before. Maybe I'll get a moment of true clarity to respond to this in a way that my voice is crying out so loudy for me to do.