Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Oops. I'm sorry.

I feel so off. That's kind of the only way to describe it.

Emo, depressed, conflicted, confused, dejected, and terrible are a few adjectives you could use. None of them quite fit, and there isn't a word in any language I know that does.

I wish that I had gotten to know her better so I can hug her like I know she needs. I feel so utterly responsible for the situation that she's in. I know that for the most part I'm not, but God it sure feels like I am.

The absence of her makes everything so much more -- open. I almost feel obligated now, to keep feeling the things that I felt. I honestly don't know if I am a she devil or not. Can I have feelings for someone one day, and none the next? It would appear that way. Did saying them out loud make them disappear? Was it realizing that I am one shallow mother fucker? I mean, I'm not so great myself - what right do I have to judge others? Fuck, I am messed up.

Really, really messed up. How am I just realizing the extent of my fuck upperies now? I don't know, I did pitter patter when speaking of things to my fucking awesome friends. I'm confused.

I am mildly crushing on two boys actually, one more recently and not as strongly as the other. Both have girlfriends. Well, one doesn't so much anymore. The same one seems more able to retaliate my emotional craziness, but I cannot be too sure of anything. Only one thing is certain.

If they knew who I really was, they'd run. Not just the two aforementioned boys, everyone.

Like my dear friend Gabe... there's such a long story there, I don't feel like novel writing. In summation we've liked ea. other (Or I have him, is all I can vouch for, really) for like 4 years. I began liking him about 3 months into my relationship with Clint. When school ended and such I would think of him in waves, then when we started hanging out again - it was strong. We talked, smoked a ridiculous amount of cigarettes and left with another time another place. I am now without Clint and Gabe's dark and grouchy towards me. I went to playfully pull his tie to pull him towards me for a hug and he just got super angry about me touching his tie or something. I could have cheated on Clint to have him, but I wouldn't cheat for anything. Guess I missed my fucking opportunity - wow, literally.

I really want someone to cuddle with and to hold me. To make me feel normal and sane. I just don't think I'm ready. I jumped into the pool and found it exhilarating frigid, I set myself free. Let's keep it that way - for a good long while. Until... I stop comparing people to Clint, yes he was a jerk at times, and not too terribly bright, but he made up for it in other ways.. God I am a shallow bitch. I can't even believe my own shallowness. I honestly thought I wasn't shallow, I did. Apparently I am ridiculously so. Awesome. FAIL! No one can meet these twisted standards I have set myself. Why can't Brittany be a smoking hot male? I am so completely disgusted with myself, it's almost sickening.

So, in summation - everything is fun and games in idle talk and feelings. When the opportunity presents itself with the loss of a significant other things crumble apart because reality sets in. At least, that's kind what I'm thinking.

We'll give it time to mull around before making any decisions, plans, commitments, or otherwise. I wish I could combine aspects of all of my guy friends together to make the perfect boy friend. All my guy friends are amazing in their own ways... goodness that would be fun.

Sorry to disappoint anyone who thought I was different than who I am. Who thought that my intellectual merit and desires actually were valid. To anyone who saw me through the smoke and mirrors. I wish I was that person.

I wish I was, oh so many things.

1 comment:

  1. "Sorry to disappoint anyone who thought I was different than who I am."

    You shouldn't have to apologize for that...Combining the best of everyone into a single person would be totally amazing.