I'll post another rambling. I don't really feel like a whore exactly.... but there is a definite measure of guilt. I had completely forgotten about your ness and everything - and the fact that you were not supposed to spend the night as you did. I am completely selfish, and I am sorry. I thought of myself and that I didn't feel like driving, and the fact that I really wanted to spend the night as we did. Again, completely selfish. I am so confused and perplexed and amused and aggravated by everything. This could be so much simpler - however, it isn't. Perhaps, if it was, there wouldn't be anything there anyway. I don't know, and I'm not sure where all this stemmed from - maybe if I did it would be easier to nip it before any more damage can be done to your relationship with her. I feel so responsible for everything. I'm not even sure if you're still in a relationship with her, and, last night I didn't even care. Perhaps it was the vodka loosening my strong moral code to sort of a... brain fondue. I really wanted nothing more than the snuggles and kisses and such, and I didn't think that she was sitting there alone with her world falling apart. God, it really is an interesting point of view from this side of the fence. I'm not sure how to proceed from this point, if I should proceed, or if I should just push you away. I really don't want to, but it's not all about me. Selfishness may help you along the path of your own greed, but it doesn't help other people's lives and better humanity as a whole - which is my goal. I am so sorry for everything, and no I can't blame any one or any substance for my behavior. I honestly haven't felt this happy in a year or more, which sheds a lot of light on several different things. I know, that for the most part, you are to thank for this.
Not to mention my "fucking awesome" friends with their amazingness, I love all of you so much! However, my main perplexment is over above person, and we're working through it internet blogging style - so my gush for you will have to be put on hold - sorry darlings.
I'm not sure if it is all the subtle things you do that make me feel like I am awesome. The fact that you've somehow come into my life with like a crazy chop chop and cut away all the bindings that I didn't even know existed. The aggravating way you share just enough of yourself to keep my coming back to try and fill in the blanks. The fact that you've done and seen so much, or so it would seem and I can steal knowledge from you by proxy.
Hm. I definitely am fucking crazy. We're up to three times now, right? I shouldn't even be having these thoughts/feelings at all, should I? Fuck. Guess it doesn't matter - we've got a month left, and then never to see each other again, right?